How to Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry basket according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way, cover any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about being fat. Get in shower. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, loin cloth, long loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo, rince and condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with rushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw. Wash entire body with Ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash, rinse conditioner off taking at least 15 minutes making sure it's come off. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot, turn off shower. Clean all wet surfaces, spray mould spots with Flash bathroom spray, get out of shower, dry with towel the size of a small African country, wrap hair in super absorbant second towel, check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails or tweezers if any found. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head, if husband seen, cover any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend another hour and a half getting ready.
How to Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes in bedroom while sitting on bed and leave in a pile on the floor. Walk naked to the bathroom, if wife seen, shake knob at her making "woo" sound. Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have any pecs (no). Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch private parts and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in shower, don't bother to look for face cloth, don't use it anyway. Wash face, wash armpits, laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower, wash privates and surrounding areas, wash arse leaving hairs on the soap. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner, make shampoo mohican and pull back shower curtain to see self in the mirror. Pee in shower, rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because shower curtain outside bath for entire shower time. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again, leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on, return to bedroom with towel around waist, if wife seen pull off towel, grab knob, go "yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her. Put yesterday's clothes on.
