After her sixth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and tuck there.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home."
"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?".
"That's from Eric in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the
center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and
asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?" and he
replies "SEX!!"
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where
they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She
walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the
pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have
that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinsons".
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when
they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me
relate how I handle the situation.
When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became
necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for
health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we
met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local
medical centre. It was shortly after she started working at this job that I
noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that
she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not
to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I
understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to
wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is
now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper.
I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't
cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help
her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used
to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that
she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she
says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big
issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am
willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed
to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker
club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will
tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a
little more time to do some of those odds and ends, things like shampooing
the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.
Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and
scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you,
but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is
difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch
hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer
encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days,
that way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing
lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I
mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than
she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a
break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments
like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not
embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to
fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just
sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself,
she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can
talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know
that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily
basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is
easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No
one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get
older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the
effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing
consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.
However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
[Note: This article was found next to the author's body. The cause of death
is still under investigation].
