Lets have a joke a day.........whats yours??

Woody · Post by **Woody** » Fri May 23, 2003 10:02 pm

A travelling rep walks into a country pub for a pie and a pint and whilst he was sat at the bar he noticed a tin bucket at the end of the bar which had a sticker on it that read " This months village prize fund is now at Â£2900.00".
He called over the barman and asked what it was all about, to which he replied that they held "The challenge" every month. At this point the rep wanted to know more and the barman said that to enter the challenge it would cost him Â£100. After due consideration he decided to give it a go. Ok, he said my monies in the bucket what do I have to do?
There are 3 things you need to do to win the money said the barman.
1. See the guy sat by the door?......He's bouncer in the town at weekends so if you tell him that you have put your money in the bucket he will stand up and you have to knock him out with one punch, don't worry he won't hit you back.
2. (Barman puts a pair of pliers on the bartop) You need to go into the backyard and pull out one of the teeth of the pub guard dog.
3. In the upstairs flat there is a 90 year old woman who many years ago used to be the village prostitute, so we have included her in the challenge because she hasn't had it for 40 yeas or more. Basically you have to give her one.

The rep thought My God what have I let myself in for? So he walks over to the big guy by the door and tells him that he's paid his money and he promptly stood up. The rep give him a right hook and knocked him out .
Next he's in the back yard with the rottweiller, screams and howling followed. 5 mintes later the rep walks back into the bar coveed in blood and completely exhausted. Picks up the pliers and said "Ok wheres this old prostitute that wants a tooth out"!

Post by **Lyndon** » Fri May 23, 2003 10:07 pm

nice one

CB · Post by CB » Sat May 24, 2003 12:17 am

Nice!

Ben302 · Post by **Ben302** » Tue May 27, 2003 11:19 pm

This is a real perspective on the world we live in.......

The definition of globalization.

Question : What is the height of globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death
Question : How come?
Answer :An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on
Scottish whiskey, followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi, on
Japanese motorcycles, treated by an
American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by a
Canadian, using
Bill Gates' technology which he got from the
Japanese. And you are probably reading this on
one of the IBM clones that use
Philippine-made chips, and
Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi
workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries
driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians and finally
sold to you by a Chinese!

That's Globalization!!!

Ben302 · Post by **Ben302** » Tue May 27, 2003 11:19 pm

And...The Quote of the century:

"I voted Republican this year. The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth."
-- Monica Lewinsky

Frosty · Post by **Frosty** » Wed May 28, 2003 12:28 am

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”
The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
The little boy replied, “Beer and women with big tits.”

RTF · Post by **RTF** » Wed May 28, 2003 2:01 am

nice one!

Mr_AWOL · Post by **Mr_AWOL** » Thu May 29, 2003 1:10 am

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "

."

Julia · Post by **Julia** » Fri May 30, 2003 11:19 am

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes
and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for
dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter
approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any
dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little
piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy,
"but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!" :rolleyes:

CB · Post by CB » Fri May 30, 2003 11:21 am

Duncan · Post by **Duncan** » Fri May 30, 2003 1:12 pm

DO NOT DELETE THIS POST BUT........

First Little piggy... ate roast beef
Second Little piggy.... had none
Third little piggy .... went to market
Forth little piggy ... stayed at home
Fitth little piggy... went wee wee wee al the way home.

So I think you got the story wrong cos' you're two piggies short, none of your piggies at roast beef and it was the fifth piggy that weeeed not the third

CB · Post by CB » Fri May 30, 2003 6:57 pm

A man has spent many days crossing the Sahara without water. His trusty horse and camel have both long since died of thirst. Drier than a Californian raisin, he is on all fours crawling through the sands certain that he has breathed his last. All of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand 6 feet ahead of him.
He crawls to the object and pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it, and out pops a genie, but this is no ordinary genie. He is a dull looking character, wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a naff grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket, and a pencil tucked behind one ear.

Well, kid," drones the monotone genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for that old chestnut," replies the weary man. â€œIâ€™m not going to trust a tax inspector!"

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

Sighing, the man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the dull genie is right. "Ok, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink".

* * * * * P O O F * * * * * The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with carafes of vino superiore and platters of M&S delicacies.

"Ok sir, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

* * * * * P O O F * * * * * The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"Very well sir, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

* * * * * P O O F * * * * * The man is turned into a tampon.

And the moral of the story? If the Inland Revenue offers you ANYTHING, there must be a string attached.

tiranova · Post by **tiranova** » Fri May 30, 2003 10:33 pm

rob · Post by **rob** » Fri May 30, 2003 10:38 pm

:rotfl:

Julia · Post by **Julia** » Fri May 30, 2003 10:40 pm

For those who suffer with epilepsy please look away!!!