New Rules !

[Derek]

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.

2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the BLOODY thing in
the first place, you fat bar stewards.

4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat
friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box.
The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking
Any of them.

5. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side
of the road every time you have a minor accident.

6. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.

7. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights
on when their guide dog isn't looking.

8. Girls.. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get p!$$ed,lie in a
sand pit in your garden and sh@g every bloke who looks at you over the
fence.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip
a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.

11. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

12. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.

13. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.

14. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

15. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of
arrest,imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a
flight to your intended destination in the first place.

17. Deter goldfish from having s@x by throwing a small bucket of air over
any that you catch in the act.

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids
by running a bit slower.

20. Liverpool fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a
large fake pen!$ to your forehead. It is now clear to all,as to your
allegiance.

21. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by
masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

22. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pi$$ing in the sink.

23. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they will not know any difference.

24. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,
and ask for a nice steak.

[tiranova]

[Lyndon]

nice one's derek keep um coming

[Derek]

starting to wonder what i need to do to get an increase in my moderating powers - i'm a complete waste of talent wiltering away if u ask me

[ukdy]

I notice these are 'Top Tips' from Viz!!

fnnarrr fnnarrr

[Derek]

don't read viz - expertly copied from pgac.... again

[ukdy]

don't read viz - expertly copied from pgac.... again

trust me....

it's from viz, pgac must have half inched it then