The UN are having trouble finding them...don't worry, they're not the only ones, I couldn't find them either:
http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
Weapons Of Mass Destruction?
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CB
- Posts: 4312
- Joined: Mon Apr 08, 2002 1:00 am
- Location: Classified
NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. This is due to the regulars being too busy driving Green Goddesses to be there themselves.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal by P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after previous adventures in the Falklands and the Gulf, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone.
HM Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer. Ryan Air also do a nice little £9.99 trip.
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure on defence in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible; Combat Jacket - Trousers (preferably khaki -but, please, no denim.) - Tin Helmet - Boots (or a sturdy pair of trainers.) - Gas Mask - Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey: 2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do.) - Rifle- Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item) - Sun Tan Oil.
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. Vickers Defence of Leeds are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% Finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available while stocks last.
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will be entitled to free burial in a graveyard of your choice and your next of kin, will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.
There maybe little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire video's of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch; The Guns of Navarone.= Kelly's Heroes.= A Bridge too Far.= The Longest Day.= Apocalypse Now.=The Matrix.= Blazing Saddles.= The Desert Song.= Mary Poppins. We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.
Yours faithfully,
G. Hoon.
Ministry of Defence.
(A Bush/Blair Production. Sponsored by Mars, the official snack of World War III.)
Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the American Conflict.
You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth. This is due to the regulars being too busy driving Green Goddesses to be there themselves.
Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal by P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after previous adventures in the Falklands and the Gulf, it will be necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone.
HM Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer. Ryan Air also do a nice little £9.99 trip.
Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure on defence in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible; Combat Jacket - Trousers (preferably khaki -but, please, no denim.) - Tin Helmet - Boots (or a sturdy pair of trainers.) - Gas Mask - Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey: 2800 Outdoor Leisure Map of Iraq will do.) - Rifle- Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item) - Sun Tan Oil.
If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. Vickers Defence of Leeds are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% Finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available while stocks last.
We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will be entitled to free burial in a graveyard of your choice and your next of kin, will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.
There maybe little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire video's of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch; The Guns of Navarone.= Kelly's Heroes.= A Bridge too Far.= The Longest Day.= Apocalypse Now.=The Matrix.= Blazing Saddles.= The Desert Song.= Mary Poppins. We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.
To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.
Yours faithfully,
G. Hoon.
Ministry of Defence.
(A Bush/Blair Production. Sponsored by Mars, the official snack of World War III.)
[img]http://bluntman.d2.net.au/newsmilies/brick.gif[/img]
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Derek
- Posts: 5541
- Joined: Thu Dec 06, 2001 1:00 am
- Location: West Lothian, Scotland
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Sara
- Posts: 784
- Joined: Thu Dec 06, 2001 1:00 am
- Location: Manchester
To help with the funding of this exercise David will train happly train all those fit enough to jump out of flights to save on incresing landing fees in Iraq. To test levels of fitness take chair out of the dining room place next to wheelie bin and jump with feet and knees tightly together, remebering to bend knees on landing. All interested parties, please line up in shorts vest & plimsols with no black soles. Training will commence in the school gym at 3.00pm.
WARNING:
Training is required to reduce the risk of death or serious injury always read the warninf label on your equipment before jumping.
Alcohol, though not recommeded may reduce your pain levels or cause blackouts if you are really scared.
good luck boys & girls
Blue skies
WARNING:
Training is required to reduce the risk of death or serious injury always read the warninf label on your equipment before jumping.
Alcohol, though not recommeded may reduce your pain levels or cause blackouts if you are really scared.
good luck boys & girls
Blue skies