The official rules for Primary school footy ...

[britboy]

Some people will not understand this whatsoever .. but I did and made me smile ..




PRIMARY SCHOOL FOOTBALL - THE RULES OF THE GAME

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and
lunchtime.


Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and
although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may
continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the nihilism or
"bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal punishment meted out to
latecomers back to the classroom.


In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to
stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who
will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the
last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers",
and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to
physically retrieve them, known as "nutters". This sliding scale is intended
to radically alter the logistics of a match in progress, often having
dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number of remaining participants
drops. It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair
balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved
over a sustained period of play - lunchtime, for instance - is not totally
nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.
The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in
the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play, and may be the
matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved manners
(see Adjudication).


Parameters
The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets,
in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match,
depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. As the
number of players increases, so shall the piles.
Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed
on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is
also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across
the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the
post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched sleeve denotes
the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post. The on-going
reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of any respectable
defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and
imagination.


In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed
as being slightly above head height, although when the height at which a
ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie with an
arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the "best
fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical violence
if anyone wants to stretch a point.


In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted
by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads,
water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking
winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and lets him
head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as far as
quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that the playing area is "not a
full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of
players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks. It is the formal
response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he
places the ball.


Tactics
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation.
Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from among
a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground side
is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. This
formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow and
territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a renowned and
strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes
referred to in practice as "Cattenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to
a style of play that is best described as "Nomadic". All but perhaps four of
the participants (see also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the
pitch to another, following the ball, and it is tactically vital that every
last one of them remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.


Stoppages
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring
treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having
adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no free-kick", and
play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen in
the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is nonetheless
subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.
1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is
negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to
decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the
drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to play.
Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and
any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden
territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged responsible
for such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in his stead or
the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to observe that
A: "you can't make me"; or B: "It's not my ball anyway".
2. Bigger boys steal ball. A highly irritating interruption, the length of
which is determined by the players' experience in dealing with this sort of
thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise
their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger
players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and
unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and
engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage
indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players' older brother
is "Mad Paul Murphy" or some other noted local pugilist can also ensure
minimum delay.
3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or
local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed,
ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of
failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the
heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.
Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to
play with it properly", but instruction on how to achieve this without
actually having the bloody thing is not usually forwarded. Tact is required
in these circumstances, even when the return of the ball seems highly
unlikely, as further irritation of woman may result in the more serious
stoppage: Menopausal old bag calls police.


Celebration
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands
in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed terraces.
Congratulation by teammates is in the measure appropriate to the importance
of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance, making it 34-12
does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the
cross), and the extent of the scorer's contribution.
A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard (actually eight yards,
but calculated as relative distance because "it's not a full-size pitch"
rocket shot will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the
more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a
chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "poaching bastard" from
the opposing defence amidst mild acknowledgment from teammates. Applying an
unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will
elicit a burst nose from the original striker.
Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are
already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.
As a footnote, however, it should be stressed that any goal scored by the
Best Fighter will be met with universal acclaim, even if it falls into any
of the latter three categories.


Penalties
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will
defer to a teammate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more
for a hat trick. The playground side has two appointed penalty-takers: the
Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is simple: the Best Player
takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable margin behind, and the
Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is comfortably in front, the
ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.
Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties,
forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who
recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these kicks,
and are buggered if "little Billy" is going to steal any of it.


Close Season
This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend
dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is
on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for
about an hour and a half until they discover that it really is as boring to
play as it is to watch.

[ICE DOCTOR]

Brings back memories dont it...Nice post BBoy

[Alex LS]

If Premiership teams were women:

Arsenal - Angelina Jolie
Look good, a bit maverick at times and you know they have the
potential
to really fuck you over

Aston Villa - Dido
One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really

Birmingham City - Maria Carey
Occasionally interesting, frequently annoying. Supporters are thick

Blackburn Rovers - Melanie Sykes
Common as muck Lancy, constantly worrying.

Bolton Wanderers - Natalie Imbruglia
Always looks like she might go down but never does

Charlton Athletic - Martine McCutcheon
Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises

Chelsea - Maggie Thatcher
Hated by millions, supported by idiots

Everton - Barbara Windsor
Been laughing at those tits so long we forget that once upon a time
they actually looked quite good

Fulham - Andrea Corr
Not bad to look at but not much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with
fame

Leicester City - Patsy Palmer
Generally a bit crap and second rate really, but some people like her

Leeds United - Lisa Scott Lee
Dirty Lee

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor
Individually all the components look fantastic - just doesn't work
when put together.

Man City - Madonna
Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars. Nice
new home though

Man United - Jordan
Dominated by tits. Quite repulsive really

Middlesborough - Tara Palmer Tompkinson
Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to speak
of


Newcastle United - Christina Aguillera
Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though

Portsmouth - Chrissie Hynde
On the face of it a has-been but you're quite interested in what she's
going to do next

Southampton - Kylie Minogue
Sometimes you feel sorry for them, They're not huge and you've got a
bit of a soft spot.

[CB]

What about Wolves Alex?

How about:

Wolves - Billie Piper
Hit the big-time for a year then fades into obscurity. Reliant on a millionaire owner


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Arsenal are a bit like... French films sophisticated, full of flair and sometimes dazzling. But tend to lose the plot just before the end.

Aston Villa are a bit like... The program 'Wish You Were Here', watching them usually makes you wish you were somewhere else.

Birmingham are a bit like... The Muppet Show, Savage as Miss Piggy, Bruce as Fozzy Bear, Cisse as Animal and Dugarry is er... Kermit.

Blackburn are a bit like... Bart Simpson able to cause mischief in the most unlikely of places, but sometimes gets caught with his trousers down.

Charlton are a bit like... The Mir space station it's amazing how they can stay up for so long with no visible means of support.

Chelsea are a bit like... Jordan plenty of up front assets and can certainly make headlines. But do they have the class to be succesful in the long run.

Everton are a bit like... Boy bands confounding the critics, but overeliant on one talented teenager.

Fulham are a bit like... An Alistar Cambell briefing: if anybody claims to understand whats going on, they're lying.

Leeds are a bit like... Major Charles Ingram. They thought they could live like millionaires, but were left to rue an expensive court case.

Leicester are a bit like... Watching Star Trek: a few familiar faces stay around, but the rest of the cast seems to change on a weekly basis.

Liverpool are a bit like... Tim Henman every year it's the same. Always talked about, but when push comes to shove, never going to win the big one.

Man City are a bit like... The Rise and Fall of Reginald Perrin, a compeling tragicomedy about futility and underachievement.

Manchester United are a bit like.. A Mcdonalds Big Mac, they look great on paper but once you try one they have a tendency to repeat on you and make you sick, therefore putting you off them for life.

Boro are a bit like... Posh Spice's solo career always threatening to be the next big thing.

Newcastle are a bit like... Episodes of Frasier. Wonderful entertainment and the best thing about them is still the white-haired old guy.

Portsmouth are a bit like... Lord of the Rings, full of ancient beasts preparing for one final battle.

Southampton are a bit like... Fawlty Towers south coast drama based around the manic behaviour of an eccentric boss (with Fabrice Fernandes as Manuel)

Tottenham are a bit like... The Glastonbury Festival. Make a big impact in the summer, irrelevent come November.

Wolves are a bit like... Blue Peter take a piece of string, sticky-back plastic, an old washing-up liquid bottle etc etc...