Aviators

Riss · Post by **Riss** » Sat Jan 17, 2004 10:27 am

In his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.

I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed."
"90 knots" Center replied.
"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same."
"120 knots," Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, 'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout.' There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause - - - "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
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In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
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The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
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More tower chatter:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
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"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

rob · Post by **rob** » Sat Jan 17, 2004 2:14 pm

thanks - that cheered me up no end.

Riss · Post by **Riss** » Sat Jan 17, 2004 3:08 pm

Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?

Well I liked em

Vanda · Post by **Vanda** » Sat Jan 17, 2004 4:11 pm

EEEK, Lots of numbers and words!!! I don't do numbers and words at the same time I get confused......the gun one was funny though!!!!

Sasha · Post by **Sasha** » Sat Jan 17, 2004 7:14 pm

This is a little old, but I think it's funny:

"This is from maintenance logs of Qantas: Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed."

Nobby · Post by **Nobby** » Sat Jan 17, 2004 7:28 pm

Alex LS · Post by **Alex LS** » Mon Jan 19, 2004 4:29 pm

This is a little old, but I think it's funny:

"This is from maintenance logs of Qantas:"

No it's not. Apart from anything else:

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

You don't need Friend-or-Foe Identification in civil aircraft

paul_y3k · Post by **paul_y3k** » Mon Jan 19, 2004 5:13 pm

back in the 60's a BOAC pilot landed at Berlin Airport, famous for the stickness of the ATC crews. The pilot was instructed to go to gate 15, so he taixed to the airpron and held the aircraft whilst he studied his little map to find the gate.
ATC came over the radio asking what the dealy was, and the pilot responded that he was lookng for the gate
the atc controller came back on the mic and asked in a sevear voice you are holding everyone up have you not been to berlni before

the pilot replied ...

yes but i only saw it from the air and it looked a little different from a lancaster

rob · Post by **rob** » Mon Jan 19, 2004 5:50 pm

Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?

Well I liked em

No not at all, it cheered up my otherwise utterly horrid weekend

thanks

Riss · Post by **Riss** » Mon Jan 19, 2004 6:29 pm

Yay!!

clarelee · Post by **clarelee** » Tue Jan 20, 2004 1:52 pm

This is a little old, but I think it's funny:

"This is from maintenance logs of Qantas:"
No it's not. Apart from anything else:

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
You don't need Friend-or-Foe Identification in civil aircraft

I agree with Alex on this one, also the aircraft that Qantas fly don't have 'target radar' they are equipped with weather radars and rely on TCAS for detection of other aircraft (only works if the other aircraft have their transponders working)

following is one of my favourite air accounts.

A PanAm 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich Overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"